[.Chapter XII.]

Originally Published On: Jan 10, 2009

I'm Not Worthy of You
♥

He went back home the next day, although his mother and sister insisted on him staying for one more night, he didn’t, he couldn’t. He took every single letter she wrote to him, every single word and letter she had written he took it with him; it will be in his mind for the longest time until he finds her. There’s no doubt in his mind that he will see her again. He knew that he and Bom will see each other once again, but only time is unknown. It could be tomorrow, it could be the next day or a year, it could even be ten years from now, but he knows he will see her again. Have to see her again.

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She knew that the moment she laid eyes on him, there was something different. There were these different feelings she felt when she looked at him, saw him, talked to him, but she just couldn’t exactly grasp at what it was. One thing was fore sure though, Travis wanted her. He had made sure she knew that from the start.

Travis was four years older than Bom at the age of exactly twenty years old, he was attending college currently while Bom was still a junior in high school. Surely, if they were to be together, they would be looked frowned upon with her age going out with someone who’s already in college. After a week of knowing each other Travis had called her and stayed in touch with her and definitely letting Bom know his interest in her. Although Bom knew, she decided to ignore it, and just talked to him as friends. After all, her sister had told him to watch out for him.

“Bom, I’m not kidding. That guy is trouble,” her sister had told her right after the party after finding out and catching Bom in the backyard chatting. “He’s been to jail because of fights, he does drugs, and smokes, and I know how much you hate that!”

Bom gave her sister an annoyed look, “Jess, calm down, I don’t like him like that, okay?”

“Still watch out for him, the only reason why he can attend school right now is because his father has a pretty good amount of money.”

Of course, Bom had listened to her sister. She didn’t want to mess or deal with a guy like him. No matter how much he called her, visited her at her house and tried his best to get her attention, Bom would not let herself give into him.

It was hard for her though. She doesn’t know what it was about him, maybe his piercing dark eyes, good-looks, or the way he always paid attention to her, but she found herself getting pulled into him little by little. She then soon looked forward to his calls at nights, his visits on the weekends, to talk to him, to see him. Then she realized that, she liked him.

She heard the doorbell ring, she was alone in the house and she knew that it was him. He always visited her when her mother and sister were gone. She got up from the couch and walked towards the door and to find the Travis’ expected face.

“Good morning, my little darling,” he smiled at her that always made her stare at his face even longer. He was handsome, even without him smiling; but once he smiled he was even much better to look at. She smiled back at him like a teenage girl crushing.

“I’m not your darling, she informed him as she went back to seat on the couch leaving him to close the door himself.

“Oh but you are,” he sat down next to her as they both just stared at the TV screen in silence. It was a silence that Bom could not take, she wanted to confess to him, but she didn’t know how. “Jenny,” he used her English name.

She turned her head and looked at him to find his intense eyes on her. She suddenly found him sitting so close to her that she felt like she could feel the heat by both of their presence. “Hmm?”

He didn’t respond just yet, but instead he wrapped his arms around her hugging her so tightly that Bom felt like she couldn’t breathe. He stayed quiet for moments and took a deep breath and then pulled back, “My little darling, I’ve already told you how much I like you before,” he paused. “But I can’t take it anymore. I need to know that you feel the same way, Jenny.”

She doesn’t know what it was; it could have been his possessive arms around her, his hot breath on her cheeks, his strong and manly scent, or it could have been his hard intense eyes piercing through her soul, but all she knows was she had fallen in his trap.

“I feel the same way, Travis,” and that was the start of a new chapter in her life.

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He couldn’t think. Everything that has happened until now is rushing through his mind like crazy. He couldn’t stop a thought and couldn’t get himself to think about what had happened. There were so many questions and answers he’s looking for, but no one could answer them except her. And she wasn’t here to answer them.

He was on his way to his apartment as he walked towards the elevator to go to his floor. As people saw him, they knew something was wrong from his distant and spacey look, as if he wasn’t living in reality. The people from the same building knew better than to bother him, it was like the exact same way as when she left, and they were right. It was as if she had left him again for the second time.

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He had woken up that morning at 5:55 AM. He got up and picked up his phone to text her and make sure she was awake for their daily run.

“Good morning my butterfly. *Kiss*
Text me back when you wake-up.
I’ll be outside.”

He changed and brushed his teeth quickly and took an energy bar from the kitchen and made his way to her apartment.

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He didn’t even feel the vibrating and hear the ringing of his phone in his pocket. He just continued to walk and made his way towards the apartment without really looking and noticing his surroundings. He just looked as if he was looking at everything through them.

“Oppa!” a call from behind him could be heard except to him. “Ji Yong oppa!” a female voice continued to call to him as he still didn’t hear her.

Then finally he felt a strong and quite forceful hold on his wrist, he stopped for a moment and slightly turned his head just enough to find Chae Rin looking at him with smiling eyes. He just looked at her without uttering any words.

“Ji Young oppa?” she asked as she noticed him unresponsive. “What’s wrong?” She was worried, now that she looked at him closer his eyes were blood-shot red, his bags under his eyes were so dark as if he didn’t get any sleep at all, and he was looking at her like he couldn’t see her.

Still, he didn’t answer her. Instead he freed himself from her hold and continued his walk towards his door.

“Oppa!” Chae Rin was now in front of him, blocking him from moving any further. She was now surprised, this time he didn’t even look down to look at her. Instead he continued to stare ahead of him above her head.

“Ji Yong oppa!” she took a hold of his shoulders and shook him, hard. “Tell me what’s wrong.” But she could only guess and believe what was wrong with him, and she knew her guess would be right.

Without looking at her still, water droplets slowly flowed down his eyes on his cheeks.

She was taken aback by his unexpected action, what was she to do with him now? She did what her response told her to, she hugged him tightly, trying to comfort him as best as she could. But he was still like a rock without any reaction, except now she could feel him shaking.

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It was already 6:02, and there was still no reply from her. She was always awake before 5:00 and by this time they would already be making their way outside the apartment building. He opened his phone once again to find the time has moved a minute later.

He dialed her number, and was now calling her as he placed his cell phone on his ear.

Ring Ring Ring

There was no answer.

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It was a long moment of silence. Every second felt like it was crushing Chae Rin’s ears. She still had her arms wrapped around him and her head pressed against his chest as she could hear his pounding heart beat.

“She promised me that we will always be together,” his voice was quiet and soft as he whispered it. “I can and will forgive her…”

Chae Rin’s breathing stopped. She pulled away and looked up at him to see the same rock expression he had before. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“…If she would just come back to me.”

“Will you stop it?” she was enraged. “Will you stop thinking about her already?”

He didn’t say anything, and he still didn’t look at her.

“It’s been three years, Oppa!” she continued, and she was now shouting at him. “She hasn’t even called or came to see us! What makes you think she will come back?”

He looked down at her slowly, and met her angry eyes.

“Why do you still keep thinking about her?” her eyes began to water. “Don’t you remember how she left us, how she left you? Do you call that love? She was only thinking about herself without giving an explanation!”

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6:15 was the time on his phone as he looked at it again. He scratched his head impatiently not knowing if she was sleeping in or what.

He faced the door that was blocking him from getting inside, he decided that he would take the chance of waking up the rest of the girls just to see what was keeping Bom from waking up. He doesn’t know what made him check the door knob first and twisting it, but he did, only to find it unlock.

He stopped. Did they forget to lock it last night?

“What the hell?” he breathe out worriedly as he quickly made his way to their bedroom. The bedroom door was closed, he hurriedly opened it and one look through that doorway, her bed was made but she was not there. He sprinted to the bathroom across, hoping to find her there, but she wasn’t. He went to the kitchen and to the living room and once again she wasn’t there. He searched every inch of the house, slamming and opening doors noisily that the rest of the girls got up annoyed to see what all the commotion was about.

“Ji Yong-ah! What are you doing?” Dara inquired him. There was no response as he continued to pace around the room and had the phone on his ear calling his girlfriend.

“Oppa?” both the maknaes questioned worriedly to find his in this weird state he was in.

“Where is she?!” they were startled by his sudden roar. His voice was loud and low as he asked them the question. They were confused as they looked at him, and then each other once in confusion.

“What do you mean?” Dara asked puzzled.

“Where is Bom?” he asked once again as he dialed her number once again to find that she wasn’t picking up.

“Shouldn’t she be with you?” Chae Rin answered him with a question.

The other end of the phone once again went to her voicemail. He didn’t respond to the other girls but instead made his way to their bedroom, and the girls just followed him scared of not knowing what this was all about.

As he was now standing next to her bed, he looked down on her bed stand to find something green that caught his eyes. It was her phone.

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“Oppa! Can’t you see all the pain she’s caused? All the trouble she has caus-“

“Stop it.” His eyes were hard as he finally seemed to be looking at her. “Don’t talk about her like that.”

“But it’s true!” she was crying hysterically. “I don’t see how you can still love her!”

“You must be seeing the wrong type of love,” he spoke quietly. He continued to look into her eyes, “Bom and I love each other, and no one will ever come close to understanding it.” Then he left her just like that, with no other words and another look.

She fell down on the floor not being able to support herself anymore, as she cried and looked in front of her to see an important person of her life leaving her behind. “She wasn’t the only one who loved you too, why can you never see me?”

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He was scared to look inside her phone. On the screen outside it said 21 missed calls, and he knew that was all from him, but it also said three new messages, and only two were from him.

He slowly opened her phone, to see that all the missed calls were indeed his, and to find that the last two messages were definitely from him, but the first unread message made his heart beat stop. The message was from ‘Park Bom’, the text message was written and sent to the same phone. She must have used the phone and texted a message to her own before she left the apartment. His hands were shaking as he couldn’t control himself, he was afraid to see. He pressed the button to go to the message, and he suddenly became numb. He couldn’t feel anything, couldn’t hear anything, and couldn’t see anything but the text message in front of him.

“Will it be ever possible for you to forgive me?
I can more than understand if you can’t.
I don’t think I can forgive myself.

I’ve left, please don’t try to find me.”

The message was sent at 2:22 AM, exactly four hours ago.

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She didn’t know where she would go, she knew she had just had to leave. She only had with her a big black suitcase only to fit the most important possessions she owned, mostly of the things he had given her, but other than that she had left everything behind.

She left the life she had loved, the friends she cherished, the dream job she had worked hard for, but most of all the love she had left behind. All was gone, it was her choice. A decision that could not be avoided, and a choice that she would regret for the rest of her life.